Lots of tension after Sunday PSI meeting. Pity and anger and frustration. Fear. Perfect conflicts. My life is empty and can never be otherwise and I am scared to stop moving. I finally requested time off for retreats and isolations for the year and the company spazzed. I do not see it as unreasonable and think if I ask to see it from their perspective that will be interpreted as asking too many questions.

Worse than usual I didn’t get much done – missed some meditations and not keeping up with my to-do list. I was trying to do what I wanted to, which was reading a personality type web forum I like. Someone sent me an excerpt from John Kent’s thesis which has this line on progress I can identify with this week:

“Rose asserts that Realization is all at once, or not at all: “You don’t go anywhere until you arrive.” Yet, there is a qualifying aspect to this. One can “position” oneself for its happening. The task can be likened to a large balloon tied to the earth by a thousand cords. The balloon cannot fly away until every cord is cut. It either remains bound or it is free; there is nothing in-between. Yet, the work is in the form of severing each cord, one at a time; the cords being ignorance, identification, egotism, delusion, lust, and so on. Until the final cord is cut, it is true that the balloon remains fastened to the earth and it seems to the seeker that no progress has been made, despite all of one’s efforts. Yet, progress can be considered to consist of the continual severance of the bonds, until the last one is finally cut—or the lift of the balloon’s force impatiently tears it out of the ground, stake and all.”