High tension returned on Thursday. I eat a lot. I don’t know what is going on but worry it’s not even the final tension. That seeing girls when postering increases it so much it seems unfortunately possible it’s not final – unfortunate because one conviction I’m having is I don’t want to fight life any more, which means I’m ignoring my to-do list and haven’t been able to focus on any of my meditations this week. But this can’t go on.

I did have something good when listening to a podcast summarizing Spinoza’s The Ethics. (4/8/09 @ http://www.learnoutloud.com/Catalog/Philosophy/-/The-Philosophy-Podcast/19669) I wrote on Wednesday “Affected me more than anything else today, though I couldn’t follow the logic, even listening to it multiple times.” This made me stop, rewind and listen again:

“The idea is the first thing which forms the being of the human mind. It must be an idea of an individual thing actually existing. … Man thinks. Modes of thought, such as love, desire, or affections of the mind under whatever designation do not exist unless in the same individual exists an idea of a thing loved, desired, etc. But the idea may exist though no other mode of thinking exists. Therefore the essence of man does not necessarily involve existence.”