What’s the alternative purpose for me?

I wrote this about a month ago, but a lot is still pertinent to me now.

I thought I was going to write about what preoccupy me most lately, that is, what I want to do in life. The question seems to demand a more serious answer now, especially as another year of my life is passing away. I always think of the answer in terms of career, despite the fact that I think Eckhart Tolle’s answer “our purpose is to be present” makes the most sense. Anyway, a visit from a close friend changed the plan to write about this.

Career and loved ones were never in the same place for me. Living at home again after so many years away pursuing career gives me both comfort and stress. I missed my family and being home, and now that I am here, I am clutching it so time stops and I will never have to leave again. In vain, I know. I am getting older and expected to go out and “be a person” instead of living off of my mother. But the feelings that come to mind as i recall my past couple of years of establishing are cold, lonely, harsh. Is it about love (i.e., that I don’t want to be separated from the people I love) or am I merely cowering and hiding from the outside world?

I know that both career and loved ones won’t be the permanent answer that will end my angst. To be honest, I don’t believe that the end to suffering is attainable for me. So I’m settling down for less, holding on to what I think is the next best thing, no matter how impermanent and insufficient.

Especially this past week I have not been setting aside time to be alone and do nothing. I opted for spending time with my close friend in his temporary visit. I don’t believe that any resolution of my biggest fear can be reached in solitary reflections. I am tired of locking myself up and working alone. I need a savior.