Higher Power
March 1, 2011
The AA Big Book asks a simple question in the chapter entitled “We Agnostics.” The question is, “Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?”
My typical reading of this question would trigger all sorts of notions, biases, and preconceptions in my mind. I would read into the word “Power” that what they really mean is the Christian God (who I define according to my biases), and that they’re secretly trying to convert me to Christianity or something. And I can’t let them manipulate me like that.
But for some reason, a recent reading of this chapter, and this question in particular, brought about a different reaction. When I read this question, I read the word “Power” as if it was lowercase: “…am I even willing to believe, that there is a power greater than myself?” Then it struck me as ridiculous how reluctant I was to say “yes” to this question. To say “no” would mean that I believe I am the greatest power in existence.
And in a sense, I do tend toward believing I am in control over way more than I am. I take responsibility for the reactions of others, and I feel a great anxiety about trying to get others to act how I want. I feel shame and guilt about my own faults and flaws, as if I’m responsible for my own upbringing or physical makeup. And I have in the past even felt guilty and frustrated about the state of the world at large. I’ve used the first-person subjectivism of Douglas Harding as a rationalization for why I am indeed the center of the universe (“I’m all that is!”), and therefore extremely important.
But I can’t, of course, honestly say I control it all. As I had to break it to my dad on the phone, I am not actually the one making the Sun rise and set each day. He seemed happy I was so perceptive as to have noticed this. An early spring thunderstorm was another reminder of what is greater and more powerful than myself, bringing with its lightning and strong winds the implication that my very life could easily be taken. A walk through the cosmology department of a local university brought another reminder, where they had created a computer simulation of two galaxies colliding with each other over millions of years, playing continuously on a screen. I’m certainly not the power doing that! I don’t know the slightest thing about making galaxies collide. But some power has brought about this whole thing, and is capable of smashing two galaxies together! And not even just two, but there are millions of these things!
This song by Bjork has been in my head a lot recently:
Ignoramuses Anonymous 