Neuroscience and doership

I kept running into Patrick Haggard’s name related to neurological studies having to do with doership.  Found this video of a talk of his:

http://forum-network.org/lecture/neuroscience-human-will

God’s Will

God’s Will is what is.

My will is a collection of desires and fears leading to intentions.

God’s Will transcends and gives rise to all that is.

My will is experienced as a product of God’s Will.

God’s Will makes no mistakes and meets no opposition.

My will often run contrary to what is, but even this is God’s Will.

There is existence and awareness of existence.  This is what is, God’s Will.

Within existence, of which there is awareness, arise many reactionary and associative thoughts and feelings, desires and fears, intentions and motivations.

Among the thoughts and feelings are desires related to nonexistent fantasies, and fears related to nonexistent worries.  The content of these fantasies and worries consist of what is not, but the existence of the fantasies and worries themselves is what is.

My will only is as a result of God’s Will.

Living outside of God’s Will is impossible.

Living in accordance with God’s Will is acceptance of what is.

Living in rebellion of God’s Will is denial of what is through the delusions of control and fantasy.

To live in rebellion of God’s Will is to assume a position of higher authority than that Power which created all that ever has been, is now, or ever could be; that Power which every moment gives rise to existence and all of its contents; that Power which burns the Sun and spins the Earth; that Power which beats my heart and fills my lungs.

Lord, guide me by Thy Will
May my life be lived in acceptance
May my mind be freed of delusion
Thy Will, not mine, be done.
Amen

Liar in Our Midst!

I’ve found a liar in our midst!  “Our” meaning the numerous thought-producing motivations that float through the conscious window during waking life.

I noticed this voice for the first time while lifting weights with my apartment mates.  We were spotting for each other while taking turns doing sets of bench presses.  Toward the end of a set I was doing, I could feel my arms getting tired and said, “I’m going to try to do one more, but I probably can’t do it.”  It was sort of like a pessimistic Babe Ruth pointing to the bench to call that he was about to strike out.  If I couldn’t lift the weights, but had already said that I knew I couldn’t, then it would be less of a blow to my ego.

Of course, this wasn’t entirely conscious at the time.  I just blurted out the words based on the feeling of saving myself from an upcoming possible failure.  And sure enough, I wasn’t able to lift the weights again on that set.

My apartment mates and I got a kick out of what we started calling the “Whatisself motivation tapes”.  It was suggested that the military could send copies to Al-Qaeda as a new counterterrorism tactic.  New from the US Military: Terrorism motivational tapes.  Featuring such uplifting mantras as: “You can try to strap a bomb to yourself, but it probably won’t work,”  and “Best not attempt it, it’ll probably fail.”

So on the next set I tried an experiment.  I told myself that I’d make it to 8 reps, where on the previous set I had crapped out at 6.  And sure enough I made 8.

This voice has come up other places, most often noticed when I’m exercising.  While walking the stairs of the 36-floor Cathedral of Learning at the University of Pittsburgh: “Let’s just do four sets, or maybe three; we know we can do that.”  (I ended up doing five).  While running a two mile loop up to a nearby track and back: “Let’s just go up to the end up this street and back; we know we can do that.” (I ended up doing the whole 2-mile loop).  While doing a solo backpacking trip: “Let’s cut across the river early and make this a 10-mile day like we did last year.”  (I ended up doing the full trail loop plus adding an extra mile due to a wrong turn – a 15.5 mile day).

This voice means well.  It’s just not very accurate.  The motivation here is to save myself from failure by sticking to the known, the familiar, the already proven to be possible.  And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  But this sort of overly cautious approach can in many cases keep me from accomplishing what I’m capable of, as I’ve seen several times.  And it’s especially unhelpful when the only danger I’m trying to save myself from is a hit to my pride.

Still, while it speaks I typically take this voice to be me speaking (i.e. I believe it).  But since this voice has proven to be wrong several times, another inner voice has started to take notice.  Now there’s a hint of doubt when I have the feeling of “I probably can’t do X, so let’s play it safe.”  There’s a reaction saying, “Maybe I can’t, but probably I can.  Let’s see who’s right.”

Listening

I read something interesting today. I’ll do you the favor of reposting it here:

“The word vocation comes from the Latin vocare, which means “to call.” It suggests that you are listening for something that is calling out to you – something that is particular to you. A calling is something you have to listen for, attuning yourself to the message. Vocation then is not so much pursuing a goal as it is listening for a voice. Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen for that voice telling me who I am. Vocation does not come from willfulness but from listening.”

I found this startling. Here is someone writing about an entirely different topic than one we are concerned with on this blog and yet it appears to be incredibly apropos. The fact that most seekers I know, including myself, seem to be using seeking as an avoidance tool to life made this statement jump out at me. I’ve been struggling with this question myself, and found the above excerpt exceedingly useful. We all, to a man, long for something. And we all have to articulate and define what that something is if we have any hope of fulfilling the longing. Before you think, “I know what I want, I want X.” I ask you to consider the following questions: What have you done to listen to your calling? What have you done to discover God’s will for you? Are you pursuing this goal because of a calling or because of willfulness?

To really know

Something needs to be seen
to be seen directly

Without all the shadows and the games they play
To look into the bright dazzling sun and to not look away

From there springs true action, true aim
Without pictures or make-believe
I want to know my name

No more stories, fairytales
fantasies, games
No things to see, to tell me
What is

Nowhere but somewhere

Kind of here, kind of there

Somehow I hope, but somehow despair
This state of in-between, pulling my hair
Letting go and just being here

I don´t know, I really just don´t

Hopeless hope, meaningless means
This state of in-between

Where to go next, what to try?
When all just seems to fade away
When the fountains, again, seem to dry

But then again, something is coming
Nothing is wrong

This state of in-between

A Jar

These little scrapes and scratches
the little things to hide

As
Imperfection

They make me
They take me
Only they appear

As
Imperfection

But the space
thought to be contained
Is unaffected
Shining clear with it´s emptiness

The little scrapes and scratches, the things to hide
Are really only our hiding place in the forefront of our Eye

Imperfection
On the surface of the Jar
But within
only space inside

Love

I’ve had glimpses of love, and feelings of love, and ideas about love, and, well, physical love. And all probably quite average at that. But something is happening that began a year ago and is hard for me to understand. My concrete heart was delivered a blow I don’t think it can recover from. My heart seems to be steadily softening and the only way I can explain it is, Love. This is the sort of love that dissolves, and thus, destroys. It’s the same kind of love that must be in the ingredients of lye-based Drano because that’s what it feels like. Love-Drano is dislodging years of accumulated bitterness and anger and hatred. It is painful and intermittently beautiful. Love.

I believe all sorts of things. About love and God, and myself. And I don’t actually *know* very much, either. This makes for a disastrous combination. And yet again, somehow, what I’m speaking about seems to be able to dissolve even that explosive mixture. I can’t say I understand it, much less fully describe it, and I’m probably at least partially wrong about it, if not totally, but again…Love.

God and his work

To be aware is to know God

The creator gives
An we the receiver are inspired

But there is a law
The law of appreciation
For if one is astonished by the clarity and beauty
One must not forget

We are nothing as creation
Only a shadow, non-existent without
Him

To be aware is to create and not to forget
That it is nothing

To be aware is to remain in him and see the world created

I’ve managed to get by all right with…

I’ve managed to get by all right with a chronic depression. But now and then I slip and fall. And in that grim bottom of the pit, the most profound teachings from the most enlightened teachers come to seem so irrelevant. The highest value I could imagine to aim for in life comes to seem so foreign, like a stranger that has nothing to do with me. In those moments everything loses meaning. One singular thing is left, and wanting: something very personal.
What matters to me most concretely.
What is closest.
What is most intimate with me.

What?

How could every moment of my incredibly boring, monotonous, insubstantial life be about anything other than the search for this? Just necessarily, automatically, without any deliberate design on my part. And most of the time, without my knowing it.