Willpower, automatic or willed?

Right now I feel I am applying willpower. I’m writing about will, which takes more will than not writing. I see my inner argument if attuning to it: do I do this writing or not write? It’s a little painful, but I’ll work towards awakening and think this is part of that.

It feels like it’s my decision to make. When I know which side will win an inner argument, I don’t have a decision to make really. Only when I don’t know what will happen, could voluntarily applying will have value.

I see it like shooting a basketball in that I don’t know if my intention will happen, but by trying, by applying will, my agenda, my vision for the future is more likely.

Now you will immediately ask, “But do we not think? Or do we not will to do certain things?” The truth of the matter is that we do not perceive, or remember, or really act or react, by virtue of will or volition. The Will is in itself only a reaction.

Quotes from: The Mind, by Richard Rose, at: https://selfdefinition.org/rose/writings/richard-rose-the-mind.htm#attributes

We do not begin life willfully, nor live it willfully, until we are able to find out the limits of our bondage. When we find out whether we are able to do anything on our own, then it is possible to try to enlarge that ability.

Will is but a particular Reaction to various Reactions and Percepts.

Let us try to get behind the false face. We can observe, by introspection, that much of what we would like to think of as thinking, is nothing more than reaction, – and mostly automatic reaction without any volition on our part. Of course we can get into some very complicated reaction patterns, and this complexity (as is noted in the Law of Complexity) is visible life.

Next, we are inclined to look at the above analysis of the mind, and take pride in being able to “Project.” We might think for a while that our ability to project is our individuality. The truth is that we are but a channel for the projection, if we are referring to the individual mind and the Unmanifested Mind, neither of which we really are.

Likewise, we can take some steps away from illusion. We begin by recognizing that the material world presents an illusory picture. We secondly notice that we are automatons of a sort, galvanized by desire and curiosity.

But then we settle back and say, – well at least we perceive, remember, react, and project. Actually these qualities are also automatic. We cannot control these functions, unless we controlled the entire environment.

So this will, experienced as my force in the mind, could be as automatic as the forces it wants to push.

If I want to write something semi-useful and not too annoying, I have a conflict with voices wanting to spit something out quickly. I can get identified with a mental effort reacting to this.

So why does it feel like me? Like I am the one willing to assert willpower to direct the mind? Am I, as will to assert willpower, just an automaton? Identified with “Reaction to various Reactions and Percepts”? Isn’t all reaction willful?

What of this am I controlling? Is the control just a useful lie? Why can’t I control it?